Ode to my children

There is little that I can think of that compares to having children. My three babies are so central to who I am now I'm not sure where I end and they begin.

My oldest, Brianna, is the same sweet baby she's been her whole life, despite the layering of a pre-teen intellect and attitude. I'm very hopeful we'll get through her teenage years relatively unscathed.

I have to say it was very hard for me to watch her grow up. I actually had a nightmare, where I got up saying I can't let my baby go! It was a strong dream, and dug up some issues for my conscious mind to deal with. It was as if my subconscious was saying, "Look pal, you gotta face this. Don't leave me with this crap." Brianna is turning into such a beautiful woman. Her stature is amazing. She's going to get a lot of "attention".

Not going there.


The thing with babies, and here I refer to any human child under say 6, is that the relationship is VERY physical. They kiss, and hug, and tickle, and you can still pick them up. They're very much still a part of you, connected not by umbilical chord, but by constant physical contact. Even more so than my spouse. Ryan turns on his "kiss machine" where he starts kissing into the air and we drag him close to get some free kisses.

Its so wonderful I can't imagine a world without it.

And therein lies the turd. There is an end to it. I often kick myself for having the snipping done....thinking perhaps a 4th would have delayed this inevitable task of letting go. But only by a few years, at the enormous cost that comes with another child. Brianna needs julie to be on. She needs a teacher who's going to get our first homeschooled baby out the door and into college. We cannot fail her. Part of the decision to stop was that. Also, it would have been tough to do a masters with another baby. And we don't have all that much room. The cost financially....we're heavily leveraged in and very much upsidedown in this house now. Once again it seems I get to the party a bit too late. (Just know this: I tried very hard to wait for a house. This was not a case of me being surprised by the collapse of the housing market. It was those around me unable to wait, but that subject is for another post).

So there was every reason in the world to stop, but with Ryan turning 4 I have the unpleasant mental task of letting my last baby go in the next few years.... This kissing fest will end, to have nothing at all to replace it. How can this unending flow of love and unquestioning devotion end?

Having kids was so powerful because they love so strongly. Its so intense. They're so ridiculously cute, and vulnerable, and the eyes. Ryan's eyes are killer.

Then when we watch Brianna and Bryce. Bryce was a fireball, a sweet kissing baby. "can I kip it?" is what he'd say. What a fine young man he's turning out to be. He was speaking to an really old lady at church the other day. He was engaged, leaning over to talk with her, unflinching, and smilign. How many 9 year olds would have that spirit to talk to such a person? She loved him instantly. He's special.

YEs, the mispronunciations. Love them. Ryan turns all "k" sounds to "t"....so Diet Coke is Diet Tote. You see! Where the hell am I going to get stuff like that after he's grown up?

The hugging in bed -- bedtime ritual. We used to beat each other up , julie and i, when we'd lay with Brianna since you're not "supposed to" . Well, hell with that. We lay, and snuggle, and take a really poorly timed nap, right next to that little guy for 4 years now, and enjoy every minute of it. Screw the experts.

Ryan then joins us, sometime in the night, every night running in to finish the evening with us.

Love it. Then I get to wake up to hugs and kisses and love. Hugging.

Ryan has a balance to him, he loves to wrestle, he's fair, he's athletic. He's got a laugh that comes from his soul. He worships his brother.

Bryce loves Brianna, and respects her. We all still wrestle, though they're getting so big now. Brianna dotes on her littlest brother, and is best friends with Bryce. Awesome.

A quick, depressing timeline:

0-1 Total contact - they can't walk or do anything
1-2 alot of contact - still can't do much, but they're laughing now. So tickles start
2-4 contact. But wrestling now. You can throw a 2 year old a surprisng distance, and hold them with one hand upside-down, to the horror of the females around you. but their so light! I'm proud to say I've never dropped one. But this is about the time your shoulder wears out and your feeling the pain.
5-6 - Wrestling is more important. Hugs and kisses fall off precipitiously. More pain. Kids cause damage at this age.
7+ - Kisses upon request. Wrestling dies down with girls....but not boys. Mostly, they want to do stuff with you, but its their stuff. At least they stil want me around.
10+ Now they're anxious to go places with friends, sleepovers, trips to cabins with youth groups, etc etc. Kisses and hugs are at a low here. They're really started to leave you here. This is total crapola.

Is it just the hunger for touch that is causing this?

They're really funny too, toddlers are. They laugh alot, more than other older kids. Well, bryce laughs alot. They play easier, they're easier to please. Ryan will do anything I want with him really. Store. Movie, video game. Anything. When they get their own interests....its good, but its...different. Brianna's easy to hang out with. She's actually easy to go places with, bookstores and reading. We do homework together. That's nice. She's using photoshop. I'm teaching her what I can. She loves the internet.

Bryce beats me at video games with too much regularity. So that's fun too. (hmm, there's a pattern here...wait,I still want to be depressed. No shiny side yet!)

So you worry alot. But I worry no matter what age they are. But this is one thing that does get better with age. So much can take a 2 year old down. But not as much at 7 and beyond.

I'm trying to pin down why I love them so much and why it so hard to see them grow. It'll be the most calamitous event in my life when Ryan leaves. He's 4, so I've got a while. But the truth is is that they leave incrementally, piece by piece, so when they're 18 they've been gone for a while.

What can I do about it? Jack. Nadda. Nothing.

Ultimately we weep for our own life's passing. As more and more of my life passes I miss more and more of it. That's all. I miss the navy ( parts) , I miss my sisters and mom dearly, and I miss college. I miss the julie I met, and I like the julieI have now. I miss Dave and Tim, and dozens of friends in between...I'm upset I can't be with them more. I miss the old me, but I like me better now, for the most part. It pisses me off that we can't remember every detail. What they heck good is it living through all of this when you can hardly remember most of it. Just to get to old age and then forget the remainder. What is the point? I want to hold all of that. Always.

This post is morose. I'm nauseous from some bad popcorn, so forgive me. With this excellent grad program, and what seems to be a rebounding career at Boeing, and a great house, a lot of nice things, things are good. I should survive this downturn, and come out of it with a shiny new grad degree and some 5 years of consulting experience under my belt. Very nice. I'm moving into age with intention. I'm setting up my next career, potentially, and it has to be right. I really have to finish my last 60+ years (unless the singularity comes, then 600!) with intention and zeal. I fear death less these days. That's good. The sleep, and lack of worry, and getting that thing over with....that one fear that ultimately takes you. Who needs that? Someday I'll say, lets just get on with it....that day is not today.

My next career move has to be big, since it has to 1) support a better lifestyle ( will I ever ever be secure??) 2) support me following my kids around. 3) get me some fame. One good thing about stopping at 3 kids is now I have a chance to really make a dent in the world. I want to publish. PhD could happen. Consultation...who knows? I'm serious, I'd love to consult on the road with my family. See the country, get on the road, spend those last few precious years with my daughter before she leaves.

That will be a crushing day.

And I have no concept on how to deal with it in the least. I prepare them best I can for a day that I dread -- going to the world. Everything a parent does is to get the kid ready to leave the nest, which kills the parent. Giving live is taking it. She'll find a guy, get married, and I'll be a grandpa. There are certainly fun things in there, right? I really like my mother and father and brother in law.

So my kids will move away and have kids. Then, just maybe, kisses will come back to my life.

Will it be the same? Will that work?

It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to. It has to.

- Joe