40

So now I've turned 40. What the heck do I do now? Not sure what to think, what to feel, what to do. At my age of course I thought I'd be further along financially/career-wise, but I also am old enough to know people who have died, people who's children have died, and people who's life is far less fufilling and successful as my own.

So what? Do I mope around feeling sorry for my life now half over? Do I lament every decision I've made, wishing that somehow my younger self would have exercised more prescient judgment? Do I look in the mirror with horror over the gray, thinning hair, or be happy that I have hair? Do I look at the scale and gasp, or do I recall that I've recently lost about 12 lbs?

My family put together a wonderful party for me. The crowning achievement of what I've accomplished here. Despite the women of these families are very very busy, with 9 kids between us. My mom is struggling with health and finincial issues. But the celebration for my 4th decade, a true milestone, underscores the success of this move.

Yet, the normal grindings of everyday life have easily overwhelmed the joy of having me back in NY. This is why I have to leave. I am not interesting anymore. I am not the travelling brother who drops in with great excitement, I'm the financially troubled middle-aged man who's going to leave his mother and sisters once again. The man who cannot buy a house on Long Island. Here I am a failure, desipte health,hair, and good pay. I've come here with the hope of a hero and I am now a paraiah, or worse, just boring.

So lets I now must blow out the candles with my now closer family and make a wish for more.

Happy Birthday.

:)